IC Inbox | Rin Okumura

[satanslash]

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Rin Okumura ⬤ Ao no Exorcist
residential district ⬤ Level 2
moonblessing ⬤ Cordis

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[reflash]

So, [Yukio says, without moving. He isn't exactly looking at Rin either, just at the building itself. Yukio's posture is perfect, his voice is controlled, and the iris of his left eye is startlingly blue.] You really have been here for a while.

What's the last thing you remember from Assiah? [He asks, and his gaze slides over to land on Rin. His eyes go slightly (just slightly) wide, a little startled as he takes in the differences in Rin's face (he knows that face better than he knows his own, except right now there are differences that catch him off guard. How long--?)]

[satanslash]

[Too long--

The question makes him swallow hard against a bitterness in the back of his throat. He feels the time that did and didn't pass like an uncomfortable weight against his joints.

The little things are still there, never leaving. Light scars that should never have been on his pale skin. Height gained, shoulders slightly broader, so many things that say this is the body of a near adult, not a teenager.

He forgets with that simple question that they're standing awkwardly in a doorway of a restaurant he owns, that Yukio could easily step inside, and it's almost annoyingly symbolic how they're each on one side of the threshold.]

... I found you on the airship. That was it. I got dragged back here seconds after I saw you.

[reflash]

[Just moments apart, despite the years of difference Yukio can see on his twin.]

So we hadn't talked about what I was doing there that you interrupted. [And Rin hadn't tried uselessly to "save" him.]

[satanslash]

[The tone sets something unnerving in his gut and his mouth goes dry like cotton.

Wordless, he shakes his head.

No, they hadn't.]

[reflash]

All right. [Will Rin listen, this time? Yukio can spell things out right now, can give his brother information Rin hadn't been able to pick up on before.]

Let's sit down. [It's harder to throw punches across a table, and Yukio absolutely needs something that will stop him from throwing punches.]

[satanslash]

[He wants to listen. He also wants Yukio to listen to him, too, but one thing at a time. He's willing to be patient even if the buzzing in his head and the twisting in his gut makes him want to just word vomit all of his apologies and explanations and everything else.

Or maybe it's real vomit. Who even knows at this point. All he really can say for certain is that he feels like a half broken spring that doesn't know if it wants to break or jump one last time.

A nod this time. He's trying so hard. For Yukio's sake. For the sake of what scraps of their relationship is left.

For the him that never got this chance and never would.

He steps away from the door to let Yukio in past him first then lock it behind them. Most of the seating is around the grills that the chefs openly cook on for customers but there are a few larger tables for parties, and two smaller ones for when it's too busy to seat at the counters.

There are tables outside on the patio as well but Rin figures Yukio would prefer the walls to the beach air.]

[reflash]

[The door locks, and Yukio does not, does not go for his guns. He sits. Waits for Rin to sit too. Does not flip the table over or grab Rin by the collar and shake him or yell until his brother understands. He does not run away.]

First and foremost, you need to understand that the only reason I did anything with the Illuminati at all was so I could take them down. So don't start asking why I went over to their side, because I never did.

[It's like a lecture. He's distant, years and miles away from Rin right now, there's something irrevocable between them. The only thing that feels real is the pressure in his chest, the feeling of already having gone too far.]

[satanslash]

... Oh.

[That... made more sense than he wanted it to. So much so that he can only really manage that impotent little sound that doesn't fit him at all.

His hands shake, and he clenches them both together, tight enough to leave impressions on his skin and bleach his knuckles white. The air can be dry on the beach, heavy with salty winds, but he knows that's not the sting he's feeling in his eyes right now.

The words tumble out in a cracked voice before he can stop them.]

... why. Why did you have'ta take it so far? Was hurtin' me-- was killin' me really part of that plan?

[reflash]

["Killing me"? What?]

Don't be ridiculous, nii-san. [He shot Rin, yes, but his brother shrugged those bullets off faster than Yukio expected. Fast enough to pull his sword and make a flame-filled rush at Yukio.]

I shot you enough to take you out of commission for a few moments so I could leave with Shima. If those bullets were going to kill you they would have done so instantly, but I know what I'm doing.

[satanslash]

[God.

The fact that it was unintentional somehow made it worse, like he was feeling those bullets all over again.

Like his throat was raw from screaming in agony as the very flames that made him also destroyed him from the inside out.

Like he was there all over again seeing his dear friends watch helplessly as he burned up completely.

He squeezed his eyes shut tightly but it did little to calm him. A hand over his face, fingers trembling, voice unsteady.]

I didn't recover that time... after the sword broke and you left...

[reflash]

I shot you before the sword broke, nii-san. You were already recovering when you attacked me. [This is wrong, it pulls his focus. It doesn't make sense unless--]

What happened?

[satanslash]

I burned up.

[Three words. Three simple words. Innocuous on their own yet strung together, coming from him, they might as well have been a ten ton weight.]

I burned up and I came back lookin' like this.

[reflash]

[He thinks back, just a few days to that moment on the bridge, Rin losing control and then... there had been flames after that, hadn't there? When Yukio was leaving. That meant....]

Nii-san. That was your fault. You're an unstable nephilim, your powers were unleashed explosively when you tried to take my head off and Satan broke the koma sword.

[satanslash]

How the fuck did you come to that conclusion?!

[Voice slightly raised, pitched, throat tight, too tight, like there was smoke filling his nose and mouth all over again.]

If you didn't know Satan was gonna break my sword why even take the chance? Was bringin' them down really worth the possibility that I might die? God, you go on and on about how I'm such an idiot, I don't see the bigger picture, but how can I when you don't tell me shit?

[Weirdly, as reasonable as it would be to feel anger, even resentment he just. Doesn't. It's more upset, sadness, disappointment that Yukio still refuses to do little more than acknowledge his brother's lack of intelligence with berating comments but never once try to accommodate the situation for it.]

I can't... I can't read your mind, okay? I can't guess at all the shit that's goin' on in your head from one minute to the next. I'm too dumb to even know what the hell you mean by 'unstable nephwhatever`. I don't know what you want.

[A hard swallow.

He's crying. There are tears only so hidden by his hands. He can't stop it now even though he knows Yukio is just going to chide him further for being a mess.]

[reflash]

I know you can't keep up with me mentally. I don't need you to understand what the next steps are, or what I was planning.

[Rin is right there, angry and getting angrier, asking for something Yukio can't give him, couldn't give him with Satan right there, watching everything. It's almost funny, Yukio can feel something sharp in his chest that just might burst out in a laugh sooner or later.

Rin is sitting there, crying like he's never called anyone a crybaby.]

I just needed you to trust me.

[satanslash]

[Of course he would see it as anger.

It's not.

Not any more.

Not after two very long, painful, awful years to stew on it all.

It's heartache now.

He just wants his brother. His family.]

I do trust you!

[His voice cracks, quiets.]

At least, I did...

[reflash]

But you didn't. [Not then on that bridge, not later on the airship.]

Not when it actually mattered.

[satanslash]

I was scared! I didn't understand and I was scared!

[He actually yells this time, slamming his hands on the table and no longer caring about the tears blotching his face red and turning his eyes bloodshot. Someone peeks out from the swinging kitchen door but doesn't speak or approach, and Rin fails to notice right away.]

I was always scared! The further you drifted away from me the more I was panickin' inside because I didn't know how to bring you back! Everythin' I did just pushed you further away and even when I did nothin'--! Even when I finally had the chance to tell you what I really thought--!

[He cuts himself off, head dipping low and fingers curling into shaking fists on the table.]

That night in the dorm before you left... when you asked me if I wanted to know more about Mom... about our past... I said I didn't think it mattered but it did and I know now that I royally fucked up when I said that to you. It wasn't fair, it just made things worse. And.

[A hard swallow.]

And I'm sorry.

[reflash]

["Scared" says Rin. Like he's ever been scared before, like he knows what it feels like to choke and freeze in terror. Maybe he was. Maybe Yukio doesn't understand Rin to the same degree Rin doesn't understand Yukio.

An apology, for something that doesn't need an apology, something that's just the difference between two people.]

That's not important.

[Yukio caring so much about the past, about something that still reaches forward to choke them, that's not something for Rin to apologize for.

Rin doesn't say "I'm sorry I didn't trust you". Rin says "I was scared".]

[satanslash]

[Fear is universal.

How it's handled is the difference.

But, really, both of them were never very good at actually handling, were they? Yukio buried his emotions in stoicism, Rin in bravado.

Yukio's got chipped away by his own actions, while Rin's was undone by the world, or rather worlds around him.

He looked up with a sniffle, finally spotting Kohaku looking at the two of them. She hadn't moved because no tables were being flipped and blows traded but she was still concerned. He held up a hand to her to silently say it was fine and while she passed an uncertain and tense look to Yukio she did eventually step back and let the door close.

Rin let out a breath and turned his hand to stare at his scarred palm for a moment, remembering all too well the fear that gripped him when he was scrambling over wet, sharp stones away from the gnashing teeth of creatures that wanted to rend his flesh from his bones and very well could have.]

It was important enough at the time to ask me about it.

[A gentle correction, voice tired, gaze dark and unfocused but mind still present enough to not lose the conversation entirely.]

I trusted you, but I don't think I did as much as I could have to understand you better.

[Even if it was hard, it's not like Rin hasn't tackled difficult things before. Couching it as "that's just Yukio" was a cop out and he knows that now.]

I've had a lot of time to think about everythin'. More than you know.

[reflash]

Two years? Or three? [He can tell. He knows his brother, he knows what Rin looks like, the spread of his shoulders and the exact lines of his face. And this isn't his brother.

Rationally, he knows it is. But it isn't rational, the creeping feeling of unease curled around the base of his spine.]

[satanslash]

[Rin gets it.

It's unnerving to him as well. Different reasons, like looking at a distorted mirror of the past that kept slipping through his fingers like rough sand that bloodied his fingers every time. Like he's seeing what could have been instead of what is and being taunted for even trying to find happiness in another world.

He lets out a snort that's followed by a cough due to his tears before he's able to answer dryly.]

Almost three. I'll be nineteen soon...

[reflash]

[Nineteen.

His brother is almost nineteen now. Right. He tries to get his mind around that, but it's... There's too much. He needs to do this one step at a time. Rin is almost nineteen.

Rin has had time to think about things, to learn and grow and change in a way that Yukio doesn't know and can't understand.

Yukio nods. He heard you, Rin.]

[satanslash]

[That's... better than he expected. But also not giving him much hope that they're ever going to be--

Well.

They were never really okay, were they?

He sighs at the silence and tugs out the towel from his apron, rubbing at his face. It still hurt, there was still ache, but he didn't feel the need to keep letting tears fall more now that at least some things had been cleared.]

Yukio.

[Bring him back. Put him in the present. Rin still has things he wants to say.]

[reflash]

[He wants to leave. He doesn't want to be here, doesn't want to be having this conversation. He's out of his depth and wants to hide away from this because he's a coward, and always has been.]

You've had a lot of time to think about things, nii-san. [And Yukio hasn't.]