IC Inbox | Rin Okumura

[satanslash]

Inbox

video ⬤ audio ⬤ text ⬤ delivery

Rin Okumura ⬤ Ao no Exorcist
residential district ⬤ Level 2
moonblessing ⬤ Cordis

info ⬤ permissions

Comments

[reflash]

[He laughs, a tired huff of sound against Rin's shirt.]

It's exhausting. [And as Rin's fingers brush against his hair, there's a sudden low rumble of a purr from somewhere deep in Yukio's chest for a second, before he stops, startled.]

What--

[satanslash]

[To his credit, Rin did try to not snort.

He didn't hold it back very well.]

Y-yeah, you did that. Guess we know you're a cat like me, too.

[reflash]

But I don't have cat ears!

[satanslash]

Doesn't matter!

[Sorry, Yukio. He's doing that dumb Rin grin of his.]

'course next month you could be somethin' totally different. Hasn't happened to me but others change all the time.

[reflash]

Ugh. [His face is going back to Rin's chest again. Nope, not letting Rin see how red he's turning at how embarrassing this is.]

[satanslash]

[But Yukio.

He already knows.]

Heh. C'mon, purrin' ain't that bad. I actually did that before I got here.

[reflash]

It's embarrassing. [He says, without moving.]

[satanslash]

Totally.

[Rin is only so sympathetic, though. At least it's only during your moons, bro. He's like this all the time.]

[reflash]

I'm going to tell you something. [He says, after a few more seconds. His voice is sort of muffled because he's still hiding his face against Rin's shirt.]

But you can't interrupt until I say I'm done. [That's the only way he'll get through this, be able to say everything that's been gathering inside his head and trying to get out. He knows it's Cordis, that he's currently being influenced by the moon to the point where he can't think straight. He knows he's being stupid, and impulsive, and Rin won't take it the right way, and he'll regret it later.

He starts talking anyway. He can't stop.]

I'm not a good person, I'm selfish and cruel and hurt people who are just trying to be kind to me. But you're my brother, and I'm going to protect you.

[His grip on Rin's shirt tightens, he keeps going.]

Whatever happens to me isn't important, as long as you're safe.

But you still think I'm weak. You don't trust me to know what I'm doing, or to have a plan, or to have your best interests in mind. I hate that, but it doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to keep you safe.

[A pause, for him to take a breath or two. He's crying again, breathing shaky, hands curled into tense fists in Rin's shirt.

But he isn't done.]

You don't even realize how much danger you're in. The Order is going to kill you if you can't stop Satan, but you barely ever take your training seriously, and you don't realize just how scary he is. Satan has always wanted to possess you, and if that happens the best case scenario is that you die instantly. You're an unstable nephilim, so your demon half has its own personality and wants to hurt everyone you care about.

And-- [He should be done, but he's not, he's still going and still laying out some of the major things that worry him about Rin.] You have no sense of self-preservation. You rush into danger without thinking, or planning how you'll get out of danger. You can't just brute force your way into keeping everyone safe, that's not how this works, you can't just use your flames and expect a good solution every time!

What am I supposed to do if you die!?

[satanslash]

Okay.

[He listens. Patiently, silently, feeling his heart ache with every word. He files things away as Yukio goes through each one. Of course he'll have his own responses, but this time he's willing to give Yukio whatever he needs to get it out in the open.

His answers may not be welcome when they do come, but if this is the only chance they're going to have with being completely, absolutely open and unrestrained he might as well use it while it's there.

But Yukio specifically said 'not until I say I'm done' and that hasn't been broached yet. He stares at the far wall trying to pretend like he isn't seeing it through a watery haze, and his shoulders tense notably at Yukio's cry of a question.

He doesn't answer. He won't, until his brother lets him.]

cw: suicide mention

[reflash]

[He was expecting an interruption, and when nothing happens it leaves him caught off guard, clinging to Rin and not sure what to do.

It's quiet, for a second. And then, he keeps going. Much more quietly this time.]

I don't know what to do. I can't trust anyone. I don't have any friends, and I don't know how to talk to you anymore, and I don't have anyone else. I've ruined everything, with everyone. I can't fix it, and I don't know what to do.

I can't even die.

Re: cw: suicide mention

[satanslash]

[I can't even die.

God, that was worse than any physical punch Yukio could have landed on him.

He's quiet again, but eventually he speaks in a tight, strained voice.]

... can I say somethin'?

[reflash]

[He waits, just a second longer. This was a mistake, he shouldn't have said anything.

He nods.]

I'm done. [He's not, but Rin asked to say something, and Yukio feels scraped raw from the admissions he's already made.]

[satanslash]

[This isn't easy for either of them. No amount of moon influence, change in behavior or desire to be physically close.

But he knows there's not going to be a second chance at this.

More than that he knows that this won't matter when they're back, on that airship, being driven by Satan's machinations.

Still.

He can't stay quiet. It's just not in him.]

I know... that you're selfish. That you push people away. You've done it to me plenty. But I know you've also been lookin' out for me this whole time, even before I knew. I do trust that you're at least tryin' to keep me safe but... I got my own shit too, y'know? I'm stubborn and aggressive and while you're there tryin' to save me I'm there tryin' to save everyone else and it doesn't really mesh well, does it? And I'm stupid. Like, we've talked that to death, right? But it just means there's a lotta stuff I can't keep up with and that includes you, and a lotta times I really do just brute force my way through everythin' because I don't know any better.

[A pause, though unlike Yukio his breath isn't shaky yet.]

I get how that'd come off as not trustin' you, 'cause it just sorta throws whatever you're doin' out the window. But I don't-- I didn't know any better. What I did know, that I think you never realized, was just how much trouble I was in. Always. It's-- it was kinda like this constant noise in the back of my head - if you fuck up too much you're gonna die. But I also don't... know how to do anythin' but fuck up until I sorta fall on the right answer or solution or whatever. Like. I've gotten better 'cause of the shit I've been through in the past few years but of course you weren't around for any of that. I still can't plan for shit. I'unno if that's ever gonna change.

I also got a real painful crash course in just how absolutely fucked up Satan really is, so. I know. About him wantin' to use me, that is. I only just learned that though so I get why you thought I wasn't aware.

[As for the rest.

A sigh. Was he this tired earlier? It's barely evening. He feels like he could sleep for hours like this.]

I've already died but I can't really take that off the table, besides tellin' you that back home at least I am actually serious about tryin' to pass the exams. I mean, if that even still happens. But if it does I'm still gonna do my best. Because I know what'll happen if I don't. I can't fix anythin' with our friends, I think that's gotta be on you, but we could do nothin' but grunt at each other and you'd still be my brother so it's okay if we don't know what to say sometimes.

Like. I went to the past. After everythin' I said, after I tried to put a lid on it all because I was actually scared and didn't wanna admit it, I went to watch Dad and Mom grow up, all the things that happened to make us and how much people went through just so we could live and I did it so I could find you and show you what I saw! I did that for you! I don't want you to die! And... for whatever it's worth, Shiemi was never mad at you. She was scared, too. Scared for you. Like I was.

[Softly:]

Like I still am.

[reflash]

[In the middle of Rin's response, Yukio's purr starts up again. He doesn't say anything, doesn't let go of his brother, doesn't look up. He's still crying, not full-blown sobs but quieter, tears that started and just haven't stopped yet.

He listens, because Rin doesn't talk like this, Rin isn't ever this serious about feelings or relationships, and Yukio doesn't know what to do. But he listens.

I don't want you to die, says Rin, and Shiemi was never mad at you, and he says he's scared for Yukio. Yukio's grip tightens, and that purr fades out under shaking gasps. It's all too much, a swell of emotion he can't handle, can't think through.]

[satanslash]

[Shit.

There goes any composure Rin has left, too.

The sounds from Yukio, in his ears and reverberating against his chest are like a punch directly at his heart. He hugs tighter, not enough to hurt but desperate and still frightened at the thought of ever losing Yukio for good.

He doesn't have any words left after letting them all out and just presses his face into Yukio's hair as his own tears fall.]

[reflash]

[He wants right now, things he can't articulate and can't even begin to explain. This is part of it, tears he's never been allowed to shed, emotion and weakness he's never been allowed to let anyone see. But it's more, it's bigger, and Yukio doesn't know where to start.

Eventually, this latest round of sobs fades out, Yukio's breathing steadying and his grip relaxing. He's exhausted, and falling asleep.]

[satanslash]

[Rin wouldn't know where to start any more than Yukio does. His strength may be in emotional awareness but that's basically where it begins and ends, especially when it comes to his brother who has been so closed off for so many years.

Too many years.

He tries to stay awake after Yukio slips into sleep. To watch over him, watch him breathe, make sure he's not about to dive right into some awful nightmare. He might still, but eventually Rin finds himself in the same sway of exhaustion and emotional draining. It's not exactly the most comfortable or convenient position to fall asleep in but he's also not about to try moving too much.

The sun is setting by the time he rouses again, limbs tingling from awkward pressure points, stomach rumbling from Cordis hunger, head aching and a mighty need for the bathroom that couldn't be ignored.

Detangling himself from Yukio without waking him as well was difficult but managed after a few minutes, and once Rin's done his business he checks on his brother before shuffling to the kitchen to start reheating some food.]

[reflash]

[Yukio was purring again, when Rin woke up. Just a soft noise, as he slept curled up against his brother. It fades out as Rin disentangles himself, but Yukio doesn't wake up.

Or, not at first. He does eventually, because his own Cordis hunger for food and moonlacing wakes him. There's a moment when he can't quite picture out what's going on before everything comes in to focus.

He did something embarrassing. He did something so incredibly embarrassing that he doesn't want to think about it. But more than that, he really wants to hug Rin again.]

Nii-san? [He asks, still sleepy, dragging a blanket along with him out of his room because it's warm and he doesn't want to let it go.]

[satanslash]

[That purring is super cute.

Rin is also quietly glad he's not the only Okumura that does it, even if it takes Cordis for Yukio to do so.]

Hey.

[Rin looks up with a still-sleepy smile, taking a reheated dish out from the microwave.]

How you feelin'? Your head doin' okay? Probably hungry, yeah? I know I am.

[reflash]

I have a little bit of a headache. [He completely cried himself out earlier, and he's paying the price for it.]

And I am hungry, thank you nii-san.

[satanslash]

No problem.

[Rin figured he would. He's prepared for that, though!

He puts another plate in the microwave and sets the timer for it, then goes to dig in his messenger bag, the same one from that awful fateful night on the bridge but now much more worn out and going threadbare in a few places.

He's had it for a long time.]

Here. [A cold bottle of water from the fridge and a small bottle of pills are handed over. The microwave is still buzzing as it heats and Rin hesitates after giving the items.]

Um.

[Shit, is this really the time to bring it up? Is there ever going to be a good time for it?]

[reflash]

Are you the doctor now? [Yukio says as he takes the water and pills from his brother, but it's fond.

No, there's never going to be a good time for a conversation about heavy things, and Yukio isn't going to bring anything up.]

[satanslash]

Hey, I learned from the best.

[His grin is large but there's a sadness in his eyes.]

... can I... talk to you about somethin'. A few somethings, actually.

[reflash]

[Rin wants to talk, and Yukio does want to listen, wants to fix things, but...]

Nii-san, you've seen how much I'm overreacting to things right now. Is this something we have to talk about now, or can it wait until I'm... feeling better. [He's already cried so much today.]