IC Inbox | Rin Okumura

[satanslash]

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Rin Okumura ⬤ Ao no Exorcist
residential district ⬤ Level 2
moonblessing ⬤ Cordis

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[reflash]

[There's another gasp for air, as Yukio shakes his head.]

This is bullshit.

[But all he wants is to reach out and grab Rin again.

He resists that urge, but doesn't head back to his bedroom.]

[satanslash]

That's just how it is here.

[Rin can't really offer anything more than that. He's had a whole year to get used to it. He can say 'it gets easier' all he wants but Yukio is stuck in it right now and easier was going to be a long way off still.]

I'm not gonna leave, okay?

[reflash]

I know. [But he doesn't go back to his room. Sorry, Rin, you're going to have to deal with the fact that Yukio is standing there, looking kind of miserable. His arms are crossed, and he's frowning, but it's really more like he's hugging himself and frustratedly annoyed at everything than anything really angry.]

[satanslash]

[... yeah. That tracks. He's not going to keep bringing it up. At least because everything was a takeout container it didn't take long to put it all away in the fridge.

He washes his hands quickly after and dries them off on a towel before walking up to Yukio and giving him a pat on the upper arm.]

Alright.

[reflash]

[He does not hug Rin. Not right now, as much as even that pat against his arm trips something in his brain that makes him want to grab Rin and never let go. He just nods.]

[satanslash]

C'mon.

[Don't make him drag you, Yukio.]

[reflash]

[He follows without a question, grabbing on to the back of Rin's shirt just to have some kind of contact.

The bed is right there, and as soon as they're both in the bed Yukio tugs the blankets up around them both and immediately goes right for a hug, hiding his face against Rin's chest.

He knows this is wrong, he shouldn't be acting like this, he should be able to just shove these feelings down and ignore them. But he can't. He can't, and Cordis drags up feelings he didn't even know he had and can't ignore.]

[satanslash]

[Rin knows it's strange, too, and there's still that nagging feeling, that little voice saying that he's taking advantage of something for his own benefit. That he's getting something out of this he's wanted for years and were Yukio in his right mind none of it would be happening.

But even louder is the voice that just doesn't care. That has missed any contact with his brother so badly for two plus years. That just wants a fucking moment of being normal siblings without all the baggage their lives have tied to them.

Maybe cuddling in a bed is a little much but right then Rin is willing to go with it if it keeps Yukio from breaking down all over again. Once was helpful and pulling down walls. Twice or more was probably going to leave him too raw to even function.

It's weirdly comfortable. Different than cuddling Kohaku, of course, and Yukio is kind of bony and lanky in his own way, but there was a warmth that was both different and nostalgic, like when they used to doze off on the couch together as children.

He put an arm around his brother, fiddling with his hair in a gentle manner.]

Better?

[reflash]

[He nods, holding tightly to Rin's shirt as he keeps his face hidden. It's familiar. It's familiar in a way that hurts, an ache for something that will never return. He's all cried out right now, so those tears aren't starting up again, but he's staying as close to Rin as he can.]

Is this going to happen twice a month? [He feels all wrong, scraped raw and desperate for contact.]

[satanslash]

Mm. Yes and no? Might not be this bad next time. I think this is probably the most intense I've actually seen someone be.

[He wants to laugh, because of course it would be Yukio getting the shaft on his first true moon in this place. But the sound doesn't quite make it out and he just sighs, continuing to card his fingers through Yukio's hair.]

But it does happen twice a month, yes.

[reflash]

[He laughs, a tired huff of sound against Rin's shirt.]

It's exhausting. [And as Rin's fingers brush against his hair, there's a sudden low rumble of a purr from somewhere deep in Yukio's chest for a second, before he stops, startled.]

What--

[satanslash]

[To his credit, Rin did try to not snort.

He didn't hold it back very well.]

Y-yeah, you did that. Guess we know you're a cat like me, too.

[reflash]

But I don't have cat ears!

[satanslash]

Doesn't matter!

[Sorry, Yukio. He's doing that dumb Rin grin of his.]

'course next month you could be somethin' totally different. Hasn't happened to me but others change all the time.

[reflash]

Ugh. [His face is going back to Rin's chest again. Nope, not letting Rin see how red he's turning at how embarrassing this is.]

[satanslash]

[But Yukio.

He already knows.]

Heh. C'mon, purrin' ain't that bad. I actually did that before I got here.

[reflash]

It's embarrassing. [He says, without moving.]

[satanslash]

Totally.

[Rin is only so sympathetic, though. At least it's only during your moons, bro. He's like this all the time.]

[reflash]

I'm going to tell you something. [He says, after a few more seconds. His voice is sort of muffled because he's still hiding his face against Rin's shirt.]

But you can't interrupt until I say I'm done. [That's the only way he'll get through this, be able to say everything that's been gathering inside his head and trying to get out. He knows it's Cordis, that he's currently being influenced by the moon to the point where he can't think straight. He knows he's being stupid, and impulsive, and Rin won't take it the right way, and he'll regret it later.

He starts talking anyway. He can't stop.]

I'm not a good person, I'm selfish and cruel and hurt people who are just trying to be kind to me. But you're my brother, and I'm going to protect you.

[His grip on Rin's shirt tightens, he keeps going.]

Whatever happens to me isn't important, as long as you're safe.

But you still think I'm weak. You don't trust me to know what I'm doing, or to have a plan, or to have your best interests in mind. I hate that, but it doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to keep you safe.

[A pause, for him to take a breath or two. He's crying again, breathing shaky, hands curled into tense fists in Rin's shirt.

But he isn't done.]

You don't even realize how much danger you're in. The Order is going to kill you if you can't stop Satan, but you barely ever take your training seriously, and you don't realize just how scary he is. Satan has always wanted to possess you, and if that happens the best case scenario is that you die instantly. You're an unstable nephilim, so your demon half has its own personality and wants to hurt everyone you care about.

And-- [He should be done, but he's not, he's still going and still laying out some of the major things that worry him about Rin.] You have no sense of self-preservation. You rush into danger without thinking, or planning how you'll get out of danger. You can't just brute force your way into keeping everyone safe, that's not how this works, you can't just use your flames and expect a good solution every time!

What am I supposed to do if you die!?

[satanslash]

Okay.

[He listens. Patiently, silently, feeling his heart ache with every word. He files things away as Yukio goes through each one. Of course he'll have his own responses, but this time he's willing to give Yukio whatever he needs to get it out in the open.

His answers may not be welcome when they do come, but if this is the only chance they're going to have with being completely, absolutely open and unrestrained he might as well use it while it's there.

But Yukio specifically said 'not until I say I'm done' and that hasn't been broached yet. He stares at the far wall trying to pretend like he isn't seeing it through a watery haze, and his shoulders tense notably at Yukio's cry of a question.

He doesn't answer. He won't, until his brother lets him.]

cw: suicide mention

[reflash]

[He was expecting an interruption, and when nothing happens it leaves him caught off guard, clinging to Rin and not sure what to do.

It's quiet, for a second. And then, he keeps going. Much more quietly this time.]

I don't know what to do. I can't trust anyone. I don't have any friends, and I don't know how to talk to you anymore, and I don't have anyone else. I've ruined everything, with everyone. I can't fix it, and I don't know what to do.

I can't even die.

Re: cw: suicide mention

[satanslash]

[I can't even die.

God, that was worse than any physical punch Yukio could have landed on him.

He's quiet again, but eventually he speaks in a tight, strained voice.]

... can I say somethin'?

[reflash]

[He waits, just a second longer. This was a mistake, he shouldn't have said anything.

He nods.]

I'm done. [He's not, but Rin asked to say something, and Yukio feels scraped raw from the admissions he's already made.]

[satanslash]

[This isn't easy for either of them. No amount of moon influence, change in behavior or desire to be physically close.

But he knows there's not going to be a second chance at this.

More than that he knows that this won't matter when they're back, on that airship, being driven by Satan's machinations.

Still.

He can't stay quiet. It's just not in him.]

I know... that you're selfish. That you push people away. You've done it to me plenty. But I know you've also been lookin' out for me this whole time, even before I knew. I do trust that you're at least tryin' to keep me safe but... I got my own shit too, y'know? I'm stubborn and aggressive and while you're there tryin' to save me I'm there tryin' to save everyone else and it doesn't really mesh well, does it? And I'm stupid. Like, we've talked that to death, right? But it just means there's a lotta stuff I can't keep up with and that includes you, and a lotta times I really do just brute force my way through everythin' because I don't know any better.

[A pause, though unlike Yukio his breath isn't shaky yet.]

I get how that'd come off as not trustin' you, 'cause it just sorta throws whatever you're doin' out the window. But I don't-- I didn't know any better. What I did know, that I think you never realized, was just how much trouble I was in. Always. It's-- it was kinda like this constant noise in the back of my head - if you fuck up too much you're gonna die. But I also don't... know how to do anythin' but fuck up until I sorta fall on the right answer or solution or whatever. Like. I've gotten better 'cause of the shit I've been through in the past few years but of course you weren't around for any of that. I still can't plan for shit. I'unno if that's ever gonna change.

I also got a real painful crash course in just how absolutely fucked up Satan really is, so. I know. About him wantin' to use me, that is. I only just learned that though so I get why you thought I wasn't aware.

[As for the rest.

A sigh. Was he this tired earlier? It's barely evening. He feels like he could sleep for hours like this.]

I've already died but I can't really take that off the table, besides tellin' you that back home at least I am actually serious about tryin' to pass the exams. I mean, if that even still happens. But if it does I'm still gonna do my best. Because I know what'll happen if I don't. I can't fix anythin' with our friends, I think that's gotta be on you, but we could do nothin' but grunt at each other and you'd still be my brother so it's okay if we don't know what to say sometimes.

Like. I went to the past. After everythin' I said, after I tried to put a lid on it all because I was actually scared and didn't wanna admit it, I went to watch Dad and Mom grow up, all the things that happened to make us and how much people went through just so we could live and I did it so I could find you and show you what I saw! I did that for you! I don't want you to die! And... for whatever it's worth, Shiemi was never mad at you. She was scared, too. Scared for you. Like I was.

[Softly:]

Like I still am.

[reflash]

[In the middle of Rin's response, Yukio's purr starts up again. He doesn't say anything, doesn't let go of his brother, doesn't look up. He's still crying, not full-blown sobs but quieter, tears that started and just haven't stopped yet.

He listens, because Rin doesn't talk like this, Rin isn't ever this serious about feelings or relationships, and Yukio doesn't know what to do. But he listens.

I don't want you to die, says Rin, and Shiemi was never mad at you, and he says he's scared for Yukio. Yukio's grip tightens, and that purr fades out under shaking gasps. It's all too much, a swell of emotion he can't handle, can't think through.]